| (no subject) |
[Apr. 6th, 2005|10:55 am] |
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THANKS FOR TEXTING BACK FUCKBAGS. DAMN U YOU LAZY SONS OF BITCHES |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 3rd, 2005|02:34 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | unbearably hurt | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Dashboard- saints and sailors | ] |
I need so much help. so much mental help. so much everything help. Everythings messed up.
Last night was prom. And it turned out that since my bf couldn't go, i decided to go with my friends, i didn't wanna miss out naturally. It was planned that I would meet up with my boy at the afterparty and he'd pick all of us in the limo. It was all good until he called me and said he was really upset and wanted to talk to me and that he thought we shouldn't be together 'right now'. Yeah, the sound of those words was enough to bring down my entire world. So it totally diminshed my excitement for the night. And my whole body was shaking when I tried to finish getting ready. Well he came and he told me that he was upset because i didn;t go to dinner with him on his prom night, which he had to miss. All he wanted was 45 minutes with me before the actual dance and I didn;t give it to him.
But when he had told me that he couldn't go to prom, I didn't know that he was still going to eat in the limo and what not so I made other plans. Then he asked me later to go eat with him and said, "If you wannan go with your friends, I won't be mad oranything i promise." He said it like 5 trillion times so I told him that I already made plans to go chill with my friends.
Anyways so by doign that I showed that I didn't care or love him. I started to cry ( i couldn't help it ). I cant believe that he thinks I don't love him. Does that mean that all of my previous efforts of affection have gone to hell? anyways, he brought up some other stuff and I said, "How can you tell me that I dont love you? How can you think I domn't care? I have a freakin jar of money that is going towards visiting you in college! I knew you'd do this to me. I knew it."
well he said he didn't wanna leave me and it was all better by the end of the night. But my heart still hurts. He actually wanted to break up with me. That hurts so bad. Now, I'm on the defensive because I'm not going to know how to act. I don't want to kiss his ass, but I want him to know I care. He should know that already. I'm still is shock that he would even do that, even think about that. I thought our relationship was better than that. Now I know that he can just break up with me whenever. Or he can threaten to. So am I always to be on good behavior? Am I to kiss his ass so he won't break up with me? I'm so hurt you have no idea. OK, so I hurt him by not going to dinner with him. He told me that it was ok to go with my friends, i didnt know that that was secret language for 'dont go.' But he threatened to break up with me after everything I've done for him. I've done so much for him and all it takes is one stupid mistake and we're through? He said I wasn't there for him through the whole andy thing. I prayed every fucking minute that he wouldn't be introuble. I was happier than he was when the charges got dropped. The second he told me that they were dropped I said a prayer and thanked God. If anyone should be breaking up with anyone it should be me breaking up with him for kicking andy's ass.
Now his parents are blaming me, everyone is blaming me. Ok, so I didnt stop it, but I told andy that I was just his friend and I told abel not to hit him and I pleaded for him to not do it on his birthday. I told andy it wasn't worth it. I told everybody not to. But they wanted to be bad asses and look like macho people and fought anyways.
Anyways, it's liek I said: I knew he would do that to me. It just goes to show that it can be prefectly fine, but then out of nowere it could be over.
And that breaks me heart, because I thought we were better than that. I thought we could get through the hardest. And so far this whole andy-alternative-breaking up crap has been the hardest, and I'm not sure we can get through it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 2nd, 2005|12:53 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  frustrated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | %^$()^#$(*$)!^*#(#@ | ] |
Well bad start to this supposed 'glorious' weekend: we went to playoffs, lost our game, my boyfriend can't go to prom, and I have no hot water to take a shower.
My boyfriend is in alternative, not because of the "andy" thing, but because he punched some guy on the field during his soccer game. So yeah he's in alternative. Now he doesn't get to go prom or walk me to my classes. GRRR.
On a lighter note, he called the guy he punched, apologized, and he dropped the charges. On the lighest note possible, he and his parents went to "andy's" house and they decided to drop the charges as well. Now, myboyfriend only has to pay $4,000 in medical bills for him. -bleh-. If they wouldn't have dropped the charges, my boyfriend woulda gone to Raymond Telles, not have been able to graduate, or walked with his friends at graduation, couldn't be able to get his elective credits or keep his dual credits for english and woulda lost his scholarship and prolly woulda just stayed here.
I tried talking to andy, but he doesn't wanna really talk. I don't blame him at all. He told me though, that he's 'never been fucked over as bad as I did him in.' bleh. i didn't even touch him, i never even threw a punch but for somereason i was the one that did him in. AHH. I'm so frustrated, I want to be forgiven, but I know I don't deserve it.
Ah i've been pretty stressed actually. There was some good news involved (no legal action) but he's having a conference witht he principle to find out if he has to stay in alternative for the whole year. :( Now, I'm praying they'll only leave him in there for a short time. I bet God's getting fed up with all of my prayers and excuses. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 27th, 2005|01:05 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | something from dashboard oughtta work | ] |
Not that you fuckbags wanna hear it, but I'm telling you anyways. It's kinda interesting actually......
Alright, well there's this guy (we'll call him andy) that I met in my class. He's a totally nice kid, besides the fact that he's a stoner. Anyway, so yeah we get to know eachother and he starts hitting on me. Nothing too much, but I let it slide because he has no chance (its cute that he's trying). Abel finds out about this kid and realizes that hes hitting on me and lemme tell ya, he doesn't like it, but I make it clear that if he even spoke to andy I would be really pissed.
Well andy asks me to go places, which i must decline to, and comes to all of my games. Actually, he's becoming a quite a good friend. Yes! A FRIEND. He'd help me out in class with the newspaper, he'd cheer me on at my games, he'd make me good luck posters, at parties he'd always keep me company if my boy wasn't there, it was cool. I got to know what he liked and how he thought about things. His thoughts are very profound. He made it clear to me that he liked me and that he wished i wasn't with abel and that 'I'm very attractive.' I could only blow it off, I mean there's no way I would leave abel.
Abel was always saying shit like, "I hate that fucker, he doesn't respect our relationship." But I defended Andy, there's always gonna be those people that hit on you, like you, try to make you like them, it's just the way it goes. I told andy a trillion times, "I'm with abel and I'm not leaving him." to which he responded, "I understand that, so if a friendship is all i get, then I'd rather have that than nothing." It kinda got complicated because it was well known by a number of poeple that andy was attracted to me. So I started to talk to him less and less, abel was getting mad. Andy started saying stuff like Abel's a dog, you're gonna get fleas, i heard he's cheating on you, blah blah blah.
Then abel started talking shit to him and got his fagget friend to talk shit to him too. Andy played it off all cool, laughing at all the threats. At this point, I had given abel permission to talk shit because I was in another situation where I was about to talk shit too. But anyways, they were openly talking shit and then tension was clearly present. What could I do? friend? Boyfriend? They hated eachother. Andy 'had no respect for abel' and abel 'hated that motherfucker.'
The whole time they were both cool to me about it. well kinda. Abel would always ask me "why are you defending him? why do you like him somuch?" what he didn't understand is that i got to know him and i did care for him. Not in the i-want-your-nuts kinda way, but the you're-a-nice-person kinda way. Andy would tell me "Sorry Aj that shit's happening, I just dont like him."
when abel found out that andy had told me that he was cheating on me, he got really pissed. Thats when he decided that he was going to kick his ass. Not only was he going to kick his ass, but he was going to do it at his birthday party out at the end of the world. Word got around and everyone was talking about it. Andy came up to me to ask me if it was true and I said yes. At that point I was totally confused. What the hell do I do? Well I gave abel the ok to do it, but I pleaded for him not to. Over the next couple of days, I'd ask him, "Please dont do it. Hes not threat to our relationship. If you're going to do it, at least not at his party. please." but that came to no avail. It was going down.
The part that I regret the most of anything is that I didn't stop it.
I almost had abel convinced not to do it, but when we drove up to the party, andy was ready to fight. I didn't wanna watch so i walked away. Then, my friend pulls me over and is like "stop it stop it." But i couldn't. There were these huge guys that said, 'if anyone jumped in they'd get thier ass kicked' so I just watched from a distance. There was alot of dust, I member that. Then after a while, Andy got up. I couldn't see his face becauseof his hair, but he was holding his nose. Then I walked up to abel and saw the blood on his shirt. My heart sank. Then he started charfing because he was so tired or something and he really didnt even have a scrape.
I caught word that andy's tooth was knocked out and i was like, 'Oh shit.' They said he had a broken nose and his eyes were swollen shut. Abel needed to leave or he might've gotten jumped or something so I drove us home. teh whole way home I was in shock. How can people do that? how can someone do that to someone else? Andy didn't even get a good hit. He was my friend, I felt so bad.
It turned out that andy had to go to the hospital. None of his friends wanted to take him, so one of my friends took him. His parents were really pissed and he went to see a dentist. They're going to press charged on abel and try to get his scholarship taken away. They say andy was pretty fucked up afterwards and he didn't go to school the rest of the week.
That night, after we got home, I started crying. Call me naive or whatever you wanna call it, but it was a horrible thing. It was somewhat dramatic for me. Andy was this good natured guy, who helped me, supported me, was MY FRIEND and I'm the reason he got his ass kicked. It was as much my fault as it was abel's. I felt like shit. I got really angry too. I was pissed that it happened and I wanted to hit abel. That night I said the worst prayer I've ever had to say. I cried throughout the whole thing. I just felt so bad.
Since then, I\'ve cried many more times. At night, when I'm saying my prayers i always include andy. I always get sad and cry because he was my friend adn I let it all happen. Like I said, the thing I regret the most was that I let it happen. I could've told abel, "if you touch him it's over." i know I could've stopped it. i know it. And I regret more than anything tha fact that I didn't.
Me and andy texted abut 3 days later. it didn't go so well. He told me that hes really hurt adn that he doesn't wanna talk to me again. he's pressing charges and his parents are pissed. when I found out that he was pressing charges, I had to try and help abel out so I was telling andy shitlike, 'well you swung first, you wanted to fight too..." shit like that. He got mad and told me that i 'obviously wasn't out for the truth.'
I had to go in for deadline one night after school and andy was there. I was so uncomfortable. I couldn't even look at him. He was wearing big sunglasses. I wanted to cry or tell him something but I'm sure he was still pissed.
People are saying that I don't care. That i'm the bitch becasue I didn't stop it, that I didn't do anythhing. The first part isn't true at all, but the second, I admit, is. How can I show that i care if andy won't talk to me?
We haven't talked since, but I'm trying to get my friend to convince him to hear me out. I'm not asking for his trust or friendship anymore, I'm just asking for him ot hear me out. I gotta tell him something...its not just going to go unnoticed. It's not gonna go by like it never happened. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 13th, 2005|04:18 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crushed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Boulvevarde of Broken Dreams- Greenday | ] |
Hey whats up...nothing too much here. I just got back from Las Cruces dropping off Ralph's phone. Long drive. I also put in my application for wet N' wild..yay. On a darker note,I'm currently hurting right now. My heart is a lil sore from a lot of things, poor thing, I really should give it break but shit happens.Hopefully things will look better. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 25th, 2005|08:53 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | i-wish-i-were-someone-else | ] |
| [ | music |
| | blink182- Whats my age | ] |
hey well I'm babysitting right now and I have plenty of time to think. We play coronado tomorrow...no big deal. It's gonna be excited to whoop our friends' asses. naw just kiddin but it'll be fun. Anyways...I been a thinkin' and I just want to let you know that I suck at soccer. for real. i used to be so much better. It sucks to realize that you've peaked and are going down hill. Anyways, ok WTF? the little girl that Im babysitting is throwing a bitch fit and saying she wants her old babysitter well that makes me feel just dandy. "our favorite babysitter this or babysitter this..." GRR....I"M GOOD FOR ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 4th, 2005|06:26 pm] |
*ahem*
It's called poetic license you dumb gelatinous blob. You and all your little cowardly cronies need to just back off. If your comments had a name attached, then perhaps they would merit some lively debate. But alas, you hide behind your computer like the worm you are. Gather the fortitude to show thyself. Then we can work from there you sour rat dick.
Bring it bitch Im waiting. =) |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 1st, 2005|06:18 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | fuck off | ] |
| [ | music |
| | My happy ending- Avril Lavigne | ] |
Not that you people comment or anything but I munna tell you anyways.
I need to chill the f out. I am not even kidding. Yeah so I am fing upset. Theres no other way to describe it-okay wait I'm fing upset, hurt, sad,...and thats it. heres the story.
Abel went outta town.No big deal. I went to a party. It was cool I really enjoyed myself. I drank yeah no big deal. Its like 5:45 and I'm go get another beer from the fridge. Then I pop a squat on the counter. Most everyone whos anyone was sleeping. Then this guy comes in and pops a squat on the drier where i am becuase like i said, everyone was sleeping and he was waiting for his friend to be 'finished' so he could leave.
Well yeah so we get to talking and its cool. Nothing too special but Im amused. I mean what else would I be doin? So were talking about the most rendom things-hinduism- and the such. We talked for like what? an hour tops. And we're sitting across from eachother with considerable distance between us, talking, waiting, yawning. I'd also liek to add that whom ever was in the living room could easily see us becuase the door was open and we had nothing to hide. Well his friend get 'done' and then he said, "Aj it was nice talking to you but I gotta go." and that was the end. or so I thought.
Well some stupid fuckfaces want to talk shit and told abel that i hooked up with this guy. Why they said that? I dunno. Did they see us hook up? Nope. Were they even there!?!? NO. So here's drama that i have to deal with. Abel is accusing me. Yes. Accusing me of 'what i did'. He is
-telling- me what i did, nto asking. It took me forever to figure it out because he kept saying was ," you know what you did". Well I told him, do you honestly think that I hooked up with him? I like you so much and I didn't even think about that. I was perfectly innocent the whole night. I shut poeple down and everything. Well after drama and what not i convinced him that I didn't and it was good. He apologized too of accusing me.
Well, he decides that it wasn't over yet. He went up to this guy and asked him if he did and just to my luck the guy says, "yeah bro she was so drunk, she was stumbling and shit. She was all over me but I felt bad and didn't hook up with her because she was so trashed." Bull crap. I was not drunk! I remember everything. I wasn't all over him. I kept my distance, easily. So now this is what i get from abel, "I can't believe I said sorry. I feel like such a jackass. I thought you were in love with me. Nwo I'm gonna go hit on girls. Sucks for you he turned you down." blah blah blah!!!!!
OKay so I got gypped. I was perfectly innocent with no problems at all. I talked to people but I sure wasn't flirtacious. I was content with me beer. ya no mames. thats all that happened. Then becuase poeple like to be dick I have to deal with shit that isn't true and I have to hear someone that supposedly 'trusts' me accuse me of infidelity. Bull shit. He wont even fucking believe me. These are my points.
I didn't even hang out with him until the end.
I have a boyfriend.
I wasnt drunk.
I was in a room on a drier-perfectly innocent.
We weren't even close together.
We only talked becuase he was waiting.
The door was open.
Poeple could see in.
We just talked.
He simple said, "Well Aj it was nice talking to you but i gotta go." and that was the end.
I love abel.
POints that he could be suspicious about.
The guy had told a firend earlier that he wanted to hook up with me.
He only told abel that crap about me becuase he wanted to look like a badass.
Shit that abel throws at me.
"you were in a room alone." yeah because it was where the beer was and I was sitting on a fucking drier!
"he's your type..white and blonde (etc)." so what the fuck does that have to do with anything?
"You were drunk." No, I wasn't! I was drinking but not drunk. I remember everything.
"i wasn;t there." ALl you can do is trust me.
"why would epople be telling me this?" people are gonna talk shit. there are those people that are out to ruin your day. I really have no idea whats up with that. I guess they're just dicks.
" I go outta town for 2 days and this shit happens. Imagine if i leave for college." I fucking love you what dont you understand?
yeah so there. This whole thing is totally unfortunate. I got shit thrown in my face for nothing. So thanks fucking ass holes.
I'm really pissed. No liek I'm fucking upset. But in other sense. FUCK IT. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 30th, 2005|07:57 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sick | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Greenday- Boulevard of Broken Dreams | ] |
Well I was gone for a while, I know, but here I am again. HMM<>
Well first off I'd like to say that Franklin's soccer team is pretty pimp. We got 2nd in corpus chirsti and lost the championship to a bs call by the ref. oh well it happens.
Schools alright...i'm kinda thinking that I really like journalism. I'm on newspaper staff and its pretty pimp. Come to think of it, I'm actually behind and deadlines just around the corner.
Me and my boy- not so good right now. I'm being accused of infidelity. So not true and only shows a lack of trust and faith in the relationship. Its okay though maybe I'll never get any trust. I haven't so far and i've run out of ways to prove my trustworthiness. Whatever.
I went to a party last night, It was pretty cool. I went to bed at like 6:30? Yeah...I smoked like no other. Just call me chimney. I drank incessantly. Enjoyed myself. Went to church a little buzzed eh.
Went to boozers teh night before. eh.
I'm sick. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 16th, 2005|02:59 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  giggly | ] |
| [ | music |
| | anything dashboard | ] |
Hey whats up..well schools a little better. Actually a lot better. I like all of my classes now and soccer season has finally come! We won all our games in the tournament. We played San Elizario (8-0), Del Valle (4-0), and Bel Air (6-1). We got first. and I was capitan thank you very much. :) SO yeah thats swell. I met this buddy Eddie Medrano. Hes a cool cat. Just a friend, no worries. I leave for corpus on Wednesday for a tournament. We get to fly this year so theres going to be 20 girls on a plane all together. I dunno how thats gonna go. Everything's looking up. there is just one thing that I wish I could do. |
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